Snookered
For the second post in a row, you're getting a batched review.
Last time it was just because I was on holiday; this time... well, this time it's also because I was on holiday too, but also because my girlfriend's rucksack got nicked off a train in Switzerland. It was on the luggage rack, so we thought it was fine, but someone had stolen it and got off at Bern where they tried and failed to use her card. It must have taken them about half an hour to find the card because it was in her jacket pocket (I can give away the secret hiding place because it's all been robbed now anyway).
The train conductor tried to help, but the police station was closed by the time we got to Lucerne (and was also closed for lunch when we went the next day), and despite the fact there was CCTV directly watching the luggage rack, I'm not holding out much hope for the safe return of the bag.
Fortunately, they didn't take my bag which was right next to hers. Unfortunately, her bag had her sleeping bag and hiking boots, which meant that we couldn't stay at the campsite we'd booked and had to spend the next day hunting down replacement boots so that we could climb some of the hills around the city. Which is why I didn't have time to do my review of the first semi-final.
Also, I've gained a bunch of subscribers in the past week, so it seems like not doing my job on time might have a beneficial effect in terms of building suspense. So I'm going to save this and post it on Monday rather than Wednesday to further increase the clamour.
And also because it will hopefully do big numbers as people are desperately searching for information about why the Grand Final isn't happening this week (there is a two-week gap after the semis because of snooker. Snooker!)
So instead of watching the Grand Final you'll have to make do with this review of the semis. Enjoy...
The first semi-final saw Christ's, Cambridge take on Bristol, and it is with this that we begin the action. Here's your first starter for ten...
Christ's last reached the semi finals in 2002 - their first appearance of the BBC Era. Bristol last did so in 2023, going on to lose the final against Durham. That was the first time they'd made it beyond the quarters, having lost at that stage seven times between 1999 and 2019.
Bethlehem takes the break for Christ's, but he misses all of the balls, allowing Rogers to cue up for Bristol and pot the first red. Oh yes, I should have mentioned. This is all going to be in the style of a snooker match, seeing as that's what's on instead. Don't worry though, I've googled a list of snooker terms so it will seem like I know what I'm talking about.
Bristol struggle to pot anything on the bonuses and Bethlehem, unburdened by his blunder on the opening shot, buzzes brilliantly with Bronze Age Collapse to get Christ's on the board. They miss dan dan noodles on the bonuses but get mapo tofu to take the lead.
As the only linguistics student in the episode, Bethlehem is handed an easy starter with a question on ergative absolutive alignment, which is "a type of morphosyntactic alignment in which the subject of an intransitive verb behaves like the object of a transitive verb". In snooker, it would be the opponent who sets one up for a simple pot like this, but in Bethlehem's case it was the question setters.
The picture starter, on cone cells, also goes to Bethlehem. This one relied less on his knowledge of linguistics.
Flanagan picks up the cue for Bristol with quantum entanglement, and they manage a couple of bonuses on Argentinian scientists, despite the fact they freely admit that they are unable to name a single one.
At this stage, the scores are pretty close with Bristol trailing by 25 points. But they had left the table open for Christ's, who notched up a break of 125 to seal the match (as there were fewer than 150 points remaining). In snooker this would have signified the end of the match, but Bristol fought on to reach 50 points, far lower than they might have been expecting.
Four in a row from Despard set Christ's on their way, though they struggled with the bonuses (let's say they were potting a lot of red balls), including an amusing set where they guessed Pampas for every answer (it was right on the last one). Bethlehem then got involved and the score ramped up a bit more quickly (let's say they were potting a lot of pinks or blacks).
By the time Flanagan slotted another one home for Bristol with imagining they were playing for nothing more than pride (I'm now imagining a game of snooker where all the balls are shaped like the death star with the little indent. I wonder how much of a difference that would make. Of course, you'd need a giant table too, given the fact each death star would be 100km in diameter).
Christ's 220 - 50 Bristol
A crushing performance from Christ's, who simply didn't let Bristol get going. Warner, so good on the buzzer in previous games, wasn't able to get involved and is no doubt a bit annoyed he was unable to influence the game that much.
Bethlehem with another monstrous showing, though Despard was quietly majestic too. Their Grand Final opponents will have to be very quick to keep them out of the pockets.
Onto Darwin vs Warwick...
Darwin had only been on the show twice in the BBC era, and also made the semis on one of those occasions, giving them a 67% semi-final ratio. Warwick's semi-final ratio is 4/21, or 19%.
This is significantly lower, though I probably wouldn't count Darwin in an official list of statistics due to the small number of appearances. For a statistic to be useful, I'm going to set the arbitrary requirement of ten total appearances. Of the institutions who meet this criteria, three teams are tied in first with a 50% strike rate for reaching the semis.
Magdalen, Ox with 6/12
Imperial with 8/16
Manchester with 11/22
Sometimes trawling through data tables gives you nothing interesting, but sometimes you hit the jackpot (which is not a snooker term despite having the word pot in it. Although, when you Google 'jackpot snooker term', the AI does tell you that it refers to a 147 break, but it seems as though this is an example of accidentally leading AI down a path in a way you can't do with normal internet searching.
Because I had linked the ideas in the AIs 'mind' it invented a definition for a 147 break, and clicking the links it suggests as sources you can kind of see where it gets the idea from. There is an article about a player winning a jackpot prize of $50k for hitting a 147 break, but nowhere else can I find the direct use of the term in that context).
Looking to hit the jackpot tonight, Darwin's Whitaker takes the first starter for ten with Rachel, continuing his excellent form from the quarter-finals. He came into this match with 34 starters to his name already.
They narrowly missed all three dates on a bonus set about the transatlantic slave trade before another Whitaker starter won them a set on Chinese terms for alcoholic drinks, on which they took a hat-trick.
Govindarajan pots Warwick's first ball with Kirchhoff, earning them a tough set on Ancient Greek grammar. Watson then takes the picture starter with ten-pointer and follows this up with architecture on the next ten-pointer to give Warwick the lead, but only by five points, because they have gone 2 for 9 on the bonuses to this stage.
A flyer of Papua New Guinea from Stewart is skewed and she hits the wrong ball into the pocket (it is also a foul in snooker if you hit the right ball into the wrong pocket, as every single shot has to be called), allowing Siddle to pick up the pieces with Vanuatu.
He backs this up with Elizabeth of Bohemia and Hart is delighted when he guesses Dafydd correctly for a bonus on medieval Welsh poetry. He is then very amused by Siddle's pronunciation of Owain Glyndwr, which puts Warwick 60 points clear.
Willis throws her hands up in joy after getting Darwin back in it with pyruvate. Stewart follows this with dim sum, and combined with back-to-back hat-tricks on the bonuses Darwin have closed the gap to 10.
Hart shoots the cue ball off the table with an incorrect buzz of Giselle, but Darwin are unable to capitalise on his mistake. Siddle takes the next starter with Zambezi, buzzing milliseconds before Whitaker and Stewart, who Whitaker had been trying to prompt to buzz earlier. She must have been the designated expert on African rivers.
Whitaker had been quiet for a while, but takes his third starter of the night with Charlotte and they tied the game with another hat-trick.
Despondent after another early buzz, Hart throws out bitumen as a guess, not believing it to be right, but it is, and Warwick have the lead again.
Public sphere gives Whitaker his fourth starter, and , his fifth, putting Darwin in front for the first time since the opening exchanges. Siddle hits back, but a sixth for Whitaker makes this snooker match feel more like table tennis. Back and forth, back and forth. Don't try playing table tennis with snooker balls. At best every serve will hit the net. At worst someone is going to get very injured.
A bonus set on film puts Darwin and their film-studying captain Whitaker 15 points clear, but this doesn't last long as Hart shoots back with a starter on bamboo (a subtle piece of wordplay, that, so I've had to point it out). Two bonuses put them five points to the good, and with seconds remaining its effectively last starter wins. I don't know what the snooker equivalent of this is. In pool, it would be when both players are down to the black.
I've just spent about ten minutes reading the rules of snooker to try and figure out an analogue but haven't got very far other than a rare scenario in which the score is tied after the final black has been potted, at which point a coin toss decides who gets to have the first shot at the re-spotted black.
So, let's imagine the black has just been re-spotted, but instead of a coin toss we have a toss-up (as starter questions are called in quizbowl).
What given name is shared by the Prime Ministers who succeeded Rosebery...
Hart and Siddle have done their homework, and race each other to the buzzer for Robert. Hart wins the race and seals the game for Warwick, who manage one bonus before the gong.
Darwin 160 - 180 Warwick
A far more exciting match than the first semi-final, coming down to that re-spotted black. Whitaker and his Darwin side go home, but he leaves as the standout buzzer of the series. Warwick were the more well-rounded team, but still had the clutch cue-work in the dying moments thanks to Hart.
This sets up a Grand Final which is a rematch of a quarter-final. Christ's beat Warwick 205-155 on that occasion.
Who knows what will happen next week.
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