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Isn't it infuriating when something you've heard a million times but never really taken on board turns out to be right?
Sipping a coffee on the sofa, a casual morning, I take out my notebook. Take out my pen. Decide that I am going to try and rewrite the opening line of my latest novel, give it a bit more pep.
And not to toot my own horn, but actually yeah let's toot it. Rip off some fireworks, too, while we're at it. Stolid, staid prose transformed into a story, into a place, into a feeling. I'm only allowing myself the horn-tooting because of the other side to this realisation - that everything I have ever written until now has been prosaic.
This, too, is an overreaction. Not everything has been as plain as that particular opening sentence, nor does everything need to pop off as much as this new one. But now I know how to fix things; and there is a lot I need to fix.
Show, don't tell.
Something we've all heard a million times. It is easy to fall into the trap of telling, especially in the first draft of a novel, when you yourself don't really know what is going to happen next. How can you describe something beautifully when you don't know what it is you're supposed to be describing yet? And it can be a tough line to discern sometimes - what counts as showing and what counts as telling.
Then of course there are times when you do need to just tell. A bit of exposition here and there never hurt anyone. If you're writing a review of University Challenge, you're probably going to have to tell your readers some stuff from time to time.
But in the opening line of a novel, you want to hook people. And you can't hook them by telling them something. Well, you can. But that thing you tell them has to be a story. Every action, every establishing sentence, every description of character, of place, of thing, can be a story. We all know this.
Fortunately and unfortunately, I can now see incredibly clearly the ways in which I will be able to improve every word I've ever written. Which means I have a lot of work to do.
With that in mind, here's your first starter for ten.
Harper Adams are the first agricultural institution to appear on this Challenge, with this being their debut. They are the third new team so far in this series, after Green Templeton and Lincoln.
Naturally, upon hearing that they are the first agricultural uni to make it on the show, I wondered whether there were many other agricultural unis in the first place. And there are, surprisingly, quite a few. Among others, the Royal Agricultural University and Hartpury University (of which Martin Clunes is the Chancellor). Harper Adams has the biggest farm, though.
Strathclyde don't have any farmland at all, as far as I'm aware, but they kick things off with Scarface, courtesy of Stirling. That's Jack Stirling, the Strathclyde captain, not the University of Stirling, acting from the stands in favour of their Scottish brethren. They take a hat-trick on football at Euro 2021 (Lamine Yamal, Pepe and Luka Modric. You're three-fifths of the way to a very good five-a-side team, there).
No one gets White Noise on the next starter, before Stirling is back with Hull to increase Strathclyde's lead. McHugh knows his way around a starter on cartography, and the picture starter goes to Stirling with 70 points. After some bonuses on ducks, Strathclyde are 70 points clear.
Finally, Owen gets Harper Adams off the mark with Lech Walesa, and a pair of bonuses on China give them their first 20 points. Henderson backs this up with tea leaves, and Harper Adams seem a lot more settled now that they're on the board.
Another for Stirling gets the Scots going again, and Lochrie displays some excellent knowledge of female antagonists in the bible on the bonuses (my personal highlight being the specifically correct answer 'John the Baptist's head on a platter'. I wonder how close she would have had to get to the phrase for it to be deemed correct, had she not nailed it so).
No one knows Gladys Knight on the music starter (with Owen guessing Joni Mitchell, amusingly), and (guess who) Stirling wins the bonuses with Frida Kahlo on the replacement. They struggle deeply with the musical bonuses, much to Rajan's displeasure.
Owen just about keeps HA in the game with Iain Banks, and Rajan tells him that his answer was 'well-worked out'. But that's not what working something out is; he knew the answer, he didn't have to work anything out! If that counts as working something out, then all quiz questions must involve working something out, and I don't think they do.
Stirling continues his domination of the game with a couple more starters, then Lochrie and McHugh get in on the act with Germany and Madrid. It is not going to be a second debut victory of the series.
Harper Adams 45 - 205 Strathclyde
Very impressive buzzer work from Strathclyde, especially Stirling, who would have doubled Harper Adams' score with his starters alone. But they need to work on their bonuses for the next round, having converted less than half of the five pointers.
Rajan singles Stirling out for praise, after saying he is not supposed to pick out individuals. Why is he not supposed to do that? He is not there in his capacity as a BBC journalist. He doesn't have to provide equal praise for a member of the other team if he says that Stirling was brilliant.
Harper Adams will be disappointed, but in the end they were a bit too slow on the buzzer. And 45 keeps them outside the top 20 of the lowest scores, so there will be no ignominy at least.
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